JANUARY 20, 2015

Why was I given this mind? It seems that at every turn it is trying to sabotage me! When I’m happy, when I’m sad, when I’m sleeping, for God’s sake, I always feel like I need a drink. It really hit a point tonight. With the stuff that I am dealing with at work, being away from my family and friends, moving around so much over the last year (4 states!), and what seems like a never ending multitude of things, I was able to come home tonight in a decent mood, even with a very rough start to the day.

I did my usual routine of taking care of Roxy, making me dinner, and relaxing on the couch (trying to avoid working on the computer for one night), and all was well. I did one simple thing and it threw my mind into a tailspin. All I did was pick up a rocks glass to move it (which it only had a little bit of orange juice in from my breakfast) and I was suddenly immersed in a flashback of when I used to drink Jack Daniels from them.

I could literally feel my body warm up and felt the taste on my lips as I dropped the glass. I didn’t remember the bad that came with that drink, but I remembered all the things I would rather not remember. How good it tasted, how that first shot of the day, which usually happened around 9 am, gave me a jump-start and soothed my mind. How I felt more outgoing and less worried about everything.

Safe to say, Roxy didn’t know what was going on and cowered when she heard the glass break. I know it seems minuscule, but it’s difficult to think of how my alcoholism still affects my surroundings and the people I choose to include in my life. It’s so frustrating to know that I have spent the last couple of years making myself a better person than I was, but the alcohol, even though I don’t drink it anymore, still has a negative impact on people today. It makes me feel as if it was all for nothing and that I should have just kept drinking and not given a crap.

Sure, that sounds easy, and would absolutely be the lazy way out of this, but going through the things I have, whether self imposed or not, I worked my ass off to get to where I am today. I just can’t help to think about what my life would have been like if I would have kept drinking. I know we shouldn’t live in the past, but what seems to be a common alcoholics dilemma, you can’t really escape it. It’s in ever nook and cranny of your mind. It’s weaved and penetrated through every single part of your brain. Genetics can be a dirty game sometimes.

My mind takes me places I would rather not be. And it’s not something I think of willingly. If I could, I would shut off that entire part of my brain. Certainly life would be much easier without that constant voice saying, “just grab a drink, it’ll all be better after that.” Little things set my mind back, just when I think I am making progress on putting that out of my mind. More than two years in and I still think about that drink on an almost daily basis.

It makes me feel so weak to know that simply touching a glass can bring up such an emotion in me. It’s scary, actually. Makes me wonder what would happen if I’m not consciously thinking about picking up something, going into a certain situation, meeting certain people, etc, that had a much stronger history tied to it. There are plenty of things out there that have a much darker story tied to them.

I know I am much stronger than I was when I drank, but the emotions and memories are like it was just yesterday and I feel as though I’ve made no progress, even when that’s the opposite of what’s happened over the past couple of years.

I just need to keep reminding myself.

Quoting Mary Lambert, I hope to be able to say this one day: