I debated on whether or not to share this all morning. I thought about sharing it with just a couple of people, but changed my mind. But seeing a couple of posts and being in a very dark place, I felt it was ok to share. This is raw, sad, and a look right into my mind. Am I ashamed I have these feelings? Yes. Am I ashamed of sharing my struggles? No. I’ll lose friends over this, but the way my mind is working right now, I can’t see a reason to not share it and risk that. I’m still in a dark place and today is one of the worst days I’ve had in a very long time. Please save the “that’s their problem not yours” comments. I know you are trying to be helpful, but my mind can’t compute those sentiments. It’s just who I am.
I want to be a better person. I don’t feel I am capable or if it is even possible for me to be a better person. I have what you call ‘mental illness.’ My mind hates me, and my actions because of it cause other people to hate me.
How can you possibly get anyone to like you when you can’t get past your own mind that even hates you? I can’t help it, but no one seems to understand that. I push people away continually with my obsession with getting people to see me and not my mental imbalance.
I wish I had a hold of my mind. I wish I could control it like other people can. I wish I didn’t have to wake up every morning with an anxious mind wondering how I was going to upset people today. Or what event in my day will throw me into a depressive or aggressive episode.
The moments of happiness and bliss are few and far between. I can’t seem to find that balance where I know I have a mental illness and also can somehow be happy and content in life. I just want to be normal. I want to be stable. I want to be good.
For me. For my friends. For my family. For my colleagues. Forever. I just want out of this mind. I’m tired of always trying to be a better person and never getting there. People are always mad at me, annoyed with me, tired of me.
Knowing people talk about how tired of you they are and wondering how long it took other people to get tired of you as well is painful. It hurts to the core. I just want people to like me. I want to be good.
So there ya have it. I’m damaged. I find t hard to deal with most of life. This is me.