Every once in a while I remember a certain point in my life, one of my darkest points. There are a few triggers that bring up those memories. I don’t really like thinking about it, but it also serves as a tool to remind me of how close I came to not being able to type this up now. It also reminds me that I had a bigger purpose in life.
It was almost three years ago. Sitting in a closet, sweat running down every part of me, breathing heavily, pleading with a “friend” on the phone.
Rewind two days prior. As was the usual case, the position in my life at the time was being taken advantage of. I was in-between jobs and living with someone who had more contempt for me than I could have ever had towards anyone. As was the usual case, they decided last minute to leave town without warning and without speaking with me about it, and I was left with the full responsibilities of their house, their dogs, and their duties for their life, all while they decided to leave town whenever and do as they pleased without a care about their responsibilities or the person they constantly, without request, left them upon.
That couple of days went by as stressful as expected. And I did my usual thing, picked up a drink and didn’t ever put it down. That’s how I coped with the constant rotation of abuse. Over those couple of days the anger kept building up. The depression kept building up. The thought of, “if someone I decided to put my trust in would treat me like this when I had always gone out of my way to help, what was my worth? What was my value in this world? Why wasn’t there anyone there?”
The day they were supposed to come back was full of the usual excuses as to why they were so late, why they didn’t care to tell me I was supposed to be taking care of their life longer than expected, etc. The same thing’s I had heard so many times before, but because I was so dependent at the time, I kept taking it. I was so trying to hold onto the one constant in my life, regardless of how damaging it was, because I was scared of the unknown. Scared of yet another thing that was beyond my control that would throw my life in another random direction that would make things even worse than before. So I settled for the really crappy life I had found myself in because at least it was consistent. At least until I felt there was only one option to stop the cycle.
I found myself on the phone with them, sitting in a closet on a hot summer day, at least a pint of vodka and a pint of jack in my stomach… and a shotgun in my hand.
I was yelling at them about how hurt I was, how bad I felt by how I was being treated, how I felt I was being abused emotionally and mentally. I kept getting the same disconnected and unconcerned responses, even when I said I was going to end my life.
I put my hand on the trigger and began to move it into position…
The gun went off, but just short of me. The buckshot went right past my head and into the ceiling and several things sitting around me that were at a higher level, since I was crouched down. All I could hear was ringing in my left ear. I realized I had dropped my phone, and the gun had fallen over onto its side next to me. When I realized that I had dropped my phone, I had picked it up to see if anyone was there, and they had hung up.
This wasn’t the end of my drinking, but was definitely a turning point.
The reason this is important to me to talk about is not only because I just needed it off of my shoulders and holding it in by releasing it out there, but also because of the message I find in that day.
Although it may be obvious to those who have gone through, or dealt with, this situation in their own past, it might not be as obvious to someone who is in the midst of this struggle right now. To state the obvious, it just wasn’t my time. God obviously had a bigger purpose for me than parts of me splattered on a wall.
I am a strong believer that God does give you more than you can handle so that He can build you up from the darkest part of your life and show you the value in everything He has made for you and give you hope for the plans He has for your future.
I don’t pretend to know Gods plan for me or anyone else, but I can definitely relate to the story of Job in that day. Not in the sense that everything I have ever known and come to love had been taken away from me, but in the sense that everything seemed to be going wrong in my life and I was nearly to the point of taking that last breath. That was obviously not His plan, because I am able to write about my story today.
I also need to make it very clear that I do not think I compare to Job and his strength and sacrifice. I just feel, in a small way, I can relate to his being put on the brink and God not letting Satan take his life.
Not immediately after, but shortly after, I picked up a Bible an started reading like crazy. It eventually led to my decision to go sober and to my current life. I’m not proud of this day, as no one should be, but I take this part of my life as a story for others who may be in the darkest part of their life and on the brink, to give them hope. I made it through this, by the Grace of God, and you can turn your life around if you decide to not go through with taking your own life. My life is by no means perfect. My life is full of daily struggles and getting through the next hurdle thrown in front of me. The positive part is that because I am sober, I can clearly think out the details of the situation and approach them better and with a clearer mind.
If you think you are reaching a point in your life where you feel no one is there or that no one knows your worth, remember that God does. And when you talk to Him, he will lead you in the right direction. The direction He wants you to go in. It might not be an easy path you are put on, but at least you are alive to live it and experience it with the rest of us. Reach out, because, believe it or not, there are many people who care.
Very very few people know about this particular event, and I was reluctant at first to tell it, but I feel that my weakness in that moment that was turned into strength and life will be the help that someone may need to hear in their time of need.
Feel free to share. The only thing I ask is that you understand that I am still struggling alcoholic in recovery and my understanding of the Bible is in no means an authoritative or professionally educated one, but just the way I see it as me. I am constantly learning.