So I figured I’d come clean. Stay true to the purpose of my blog, no secrets. Earlier this week I ended up in the low point of a depressive state brought on by several things. I was pretty cryptic about those things, and even at the time, I felt like I was doing a disservice to myself and people who read my blog, by not being more transparent at the time. It was just a lot of emotion all at one time so I felt like keeping it in for a minute to myself while I processed.
This last week was a breaking point for a few areas in my life. Both personally and for those affected by me. The biggest of which is a very bumpy week in my relationship. These events culminated in my making a very big decision, and one that was basically an ultimatum, seeking long overdue treatment for my bipolar disorder. I have been flying solo way too long.
This week’s events weren’t anything short of drama-ridden. I hit a crossroads with my partner because of my moods being a big problem recently in our relationship. My over-eagerness and also quick responses in regards to many things at work lately, all of which is a direct result of my ups and downs lately. People at work are very quickly catching onto these issues and either getting annoyed by it or making a joke of it. And last, but not least, my own battle inside. I have been trying to handle myself on my own for way to long. Pride coupled with fear have been holding me back.
Naturally, as with most things in my life, my mood swings contribute to my insecurities. This has led to me overthinking everything in regards to how people view me at work, to how my friends see how crazy I am, to my partner getting burnt out on me and ready to call it quits. Some parts of these are based in reality, but others are pieces of my mind working against me.
All of this has led me to this point. Seeking help for things I cannot possibly handle on my own. Things have been good in my life for a while now. I got complacent and put my mental health on the back-burner. I let myself get way too comfortable in a somewhat stable period in my life. I let the unhealthy and unmanageable creep up on me without giving it a second thought.
This week I have been seeking the help of professionals in both psychiatry and psychology, in the hopes that I can find some regular balance in my life again. Balance that allows me to attain and keep the life I envision for myself. One free of constant paranoia and low self-esteem. One where I have reliable and steady income and reserves. One with a fully present and mutual relationship with my partner. One with friendships that I don’t constantly think I am sabotaging with my craziness. A healthy life of mind, body, and spirit.
I am seeking professional help. From people who are trained and skilled in working with these issues. An outside, objective view of a damaged mind. There is no shame in this. We all need help beyond what we are personally capable of. I encourage you to seek help too. Don’t be afraid of what people will think of you (I know, rich coming from the person who just admitted he thinks way to much about what others think of him). You need to take care of yourself first and foremost. Get healthy! I am!