It never fails. When stuff seems to be going really good, something always comes up to put me right back where I seem to belong. I’ve gotten lots of good news lately. Good job changes, moved into a great new apartment, and about to celebrate 5 years sober when I turn 32. I wake up this morning to get thrown something from left field. I can’t say it wasn’t fully expected. I always knew this particular part of my life would reach a precipice one day. Unfortunately, it hit a bit harder than I expected.

Now I am in ¬†frantic but depressive episode now. Thrown right in. It feels like my entire world is about to come crumbling down. So, what do I do? Self-sabotage. It’s feelings like this that really make you question what really matters anymore. If the most important thing in your life seems to disappear, why else would anything else matter? I find myself here every so often. I always know how it ends up, but I still go down the same path every time. Who cares what happens at work? Who cares what happens financially? Who cares about much of anything.

An overwhelming sense of impending doom. When it feels this way, not much else matters. I wish I could get out of my head for a minute. Unfortunately it’s not the way I function.

This isn’t a normal post, I just needed to vent, to release. To try and work through it mentally, also in the hopes someone could offer some kind of advice or support.

I wish things were different. Sorry for being so cryptic, since I know I am so open about everything else, but I want to keep this particular thing close for right now.