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My passion, and job, is being a dog trainer. I pride myself on my knowledge of the ins and outs of dog behavior and my ability to help people create better relationships with their dogs. I have spent years educating myself through self-study and learning from others to hone in my skills. I have created many lasting relationships, and saved many lives, along the way. But one comment made me question it all. It wasn’t even a direct jab. It was simply an update on an event a clients dog was involved in.
Recently a clients dog was rough playing with another dog at doggy daycare. The owner of the facility made a comment to my client saying they needed more extensive training after she mentioned she was in training with her dog with me. Whether it was an intentional jab at me and my abilities, or just a general comment with what knowledge she may personally have, it altered my current episode for the worse. This happens all the time.
It’s no secret I wear my heart on my sleeve. It’s also no secret that I take things personally when there is no real reason too. What frustrates the crap out of me, more than me knowing I shouldn’t take things so personally yet still do, is that others see it as a weakness and an overly sensitive reaction, all while refusing to understand there are psychological reason why I tend to do this.
My bipolar disorder plays a huge role in my insecurities. No matter how many times I have been praised for the work I do, no matter what the task, I take the criticism hard and it seems to overshadow the good. The comments may not even be related, but I seem to attach them to pretty much anything in my life and then go into this tailspin of insecurity, questioning all my decisions, thinking I don’t actually know as much as I like to think I know, and most always ends up in a depressive episode.
I have tried to find ways to find ways to alter my mood and remember all the good stuff, but I can’t help but find my mind right back where it was, and begin the questioning all over again. So, after that call this morning, I am now in a depressive episode and wondering if my career path was all worth it or if I should just give up and go back to basic work out there because I can’t possibly mess up things that way.
I really hate my mind sometimes. I hate that I can be so easily manipulated by it. And I really hate that I know that this is happening, but seem completely incapable of fixing it or avoiding it every time this happens. How do you deal with it? What do you do to bring yourself out of the doldrums of depression tailspin because of something that may or may not even include you? Any help is appreciated.