The last few months have been nothing short of tumultuous. But that’s life. However, the way I have handled it hasn’t been the best. I made a couple of plans to refocus and step back, but I kept diving back in. Right back into the stress and heartache of it all and pushing myself further and further down the rabbit hole.
For the first time in a while, drinking crossed my mind as a viable solution to it all. Drowning it all out and saying goodbye to everything. An easy way out and instead of facing reality head-on. It was easier to do that. I tasted the burn of the alcohol in the back of my throat at my weakest moment, which came this morning when it seemed my entire professional career was being flushed down the drain. Even as I sit here in a restaurant that does not offer alcohol (intended choice of venue) surrounded by people I don’t know I can still feel that burn in my throat and thinking it would all be worth it. Thankfully I am writing instead.
But because I have gotten to a point in my life where I feel that would be the best option to solve all my problems, I find myself with my back against the wall. Where do I go from here? What do I do now? What’s my next move?
So I have decided to take this opportunity of what seems like my life falling apart both personally and professionally, as an opportunity to take that step back and figure out what’s next.
I need to focus on me. My mental health. My self-preservation. My self-care. Something I have neglected for a very long time.
I have no one else to blame but myself for where I am in life right now. I make the decisions I make, and I choose to respond to other things the way I do.
With this free time I now find myself in, I can utilize it to bring myself to the point of happiness once again hopefully. It feels like its so far away that I will never get back there, but I still have to try.
It’s what us alcoholics do We keep trying. We keep trying to find the next best thing. Sometimes it ends up in a drink, but sometimes, just sometimes, it ends up in a place of contentment, sobriety, and happiness. I’m hoping for the latter.
During this time I am making a point to remove myself from most everything except for myself and my partner. Posts may be nonexistent during this time as I make sure I am ok. Phone calls and texts may go unanswered, but I ask that you respect that and be patient with me as I figure out my next move.
If you are going to find it hard to disconnect from me for a little bit, imagine what it must feel like for me? Someone who relies on validation and acceptance from others. I am now seeking to be the one who provides that to myself.
I am sober.
So, now, I take a break…