I recently talked about my drive to get help again through psychologists and psychiatrists. Today I had my first psychologist visit in over 11 years. The last time I was in a clinical trial right after getting diagnosed with bipolar. I saw one psychiatrist last year and got an updated diagnosis from Bipolar Type II to Bipolar Type I. Other than that I haven’t really seen anyone for talk therapy or for any type of medicinal purposes. I am nervous about this jump.

So many things are going through my mind after the first visit. Although this first visit was really just a consult to see if I meshed well with the psychologist, it brought up a lot of memories in just talking about my history. I had to dredge up some memories from my past that I would rather forget about, but I know it’s all good in the end if I talk about them to help me move forward. All in all, I liked the impression I got from the psychologist today have set up my next appointment.

Next week is the next big visit. My first appointment with a psychiatrist to manage the other side of this disorder, the medicinal side. I’m more nervous about that though because of all the feelings and side effects I had from the clinical trial. I was definitely not on the placebo, so I fear who/what I will become while we try and figure out what works best for me.

side from the goodness of finally seeking help and sitting on the chair across from the psychologist was the support I got from an unexpected person. I told someone today about my recent changes and the changes to come in the game of medicine, and I found some great support. I let this person know so that when I don’t seem myself, there are very specific reasons so that they weren’t caught off guard. Unexpectedly this person told me they had knowledge of the condition and offered their support if I needed anything.

I’m hoping that my partner sees my efforts and realizes I am actively trying to get right in the head and find the help I can’t provide myself. It’s a difficult road to travel because he doesn’t understand fully what I am dealing with because he is neurotypical. I know he will never fully understand this disorder because he doesn’t live with mental illness himself, but I do hope he tries to understand I am trying to make myself better.

I made that jump for myself and found support in several areas. Let’s hope this goes as smoothly as possible. Like I said before, don’t be ashamed of who you are. You didn’t choose to have a mental illness. You can choose to seek help though.