For a few months now I have been living in a mental state of uncertainty. So many things change so quickly. I like change, but not so much on drastic changes. For a while now a major move was hanging out in the back of my head. My partner has been toying around with the idea of moving for a job, like many times before in the last four years. This time it will end up being the longest move we have ever made. One I am not very happy about and am feeling an overwhelming amount uncertainty about my future and all the what-ifs.
I thought the not knowing was going to be harder, but the actual confirmation of the move is worse. I don’t like the feeling of not being in control of what goes on. Of course that would be to assume I have any control over what God plans for me. I am more meaning not knowing how to handle what God throws my way. I know it is all part of His better path for me, but it can get so frustrating!
I love to travel and see new places. I am very fortunate to have lived in so many amazing places. But I the nomad experience gets old quickly, and the novelty of seeing so many places wears off. Over the last four years I have made 4 major moves. I moved away from Nashville, Tennessee and went to Sarasota, Florida, where I only spent 6 months. From there I moved to Providence, Rhode Island, where I spent about 6 months. After that I moved to Richmond, Virginia, where I still currently live, for the time being.
Richmond is the place I have lived the longest during the last four years, a total of nearly three years. But that’s all about to change as I now prepare, mentally and logistically, to move to San Diego, California. I got this news just tonight that it is a for sure thing. I learned this while I was in the peak of a manic episode. You can imagine how much of a toll this is taking on my mental stability right now. Tons of questions are circling around in my brain now that it is almost unbearable. My mind has gone into overdrive with so many doubts, fears, questions, plans, backup plans, backup to the backup plans.
Obviously I rushed to the Bible to find the answers to my uncertainty and was met generously with a plethora of scriptures telling me to trust Gods plan for me and my future. All the blogs I could find on the subject also talked about how you need to trust God and just go with it. Basically discrediting any emotion attached to times of uncertainty and change. This frustrates the crap out of me because I feel so lost in this news that I don’t feel like being upbeat and positive about it. It is a move for more financial security, but it also opens the door to many lifestyle changes ahead.
I want to trust Him and His plans for the unknown, but it’s so difficult when there is so much unknown. It doesn’t mean I distrust Him, but understandably I’m not happy. I know it may sound like straight up insult to God for feeling angry about His latest test, but I find it to be 100% human. It’s ok to get mad and fearful and ask God ‘why’!
I typically go straight for my favorite Bible verse, Philippians 4:13, but it doesn’t feel appropriate for this. I have been digging for quotes and scripture about uncertain times and how to better trust God and His plans. Like I said earlier, I keep coming across happy-go-lucky scriptures and blogs, but I am finding it hard to find scriptures about frustration and how to handle it that apply better to me and my emotional state right now.
I can do all things through Him who gives me strength.
Philippians 4:13 (NIV)
In this search I came across Romans 7:15 which talks about doing/thinking things you really know you shouldn’t, but continue to do so anyways. There was some bittersweet comfort in this scripture that shows I am not alone in this thinking. I want to trust Him more, but I find it difficult when faced with so many things so often. I know I shouldn’t doubt Him or question Him with accusatory tone. But to do so is human nature. It is my duty to recognize these feelings of frustration and doubt and turn them into something positive. I am using this as a teaching opportunity so I can condition myself to not be so doubtful.
I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do.
We are created as imperfect, but I find solace in knowing I am not alone in this.
( I know this post may seem garbled and all over the place, but I am writing it in the midst of a manic episode when I happen to be searching for answers)